Do What Thou Wilt

My gardener, David-Talks-To-Cheese, has been waging a losing war on the voles, who have taken to hollowing out the unripe tomatoes like a posse of snarky rodent pranksters. It is hardly uncommon to have voles around here but for some reason this summer they have gone crazy. I don’t know if they got in an extra breeding cycle or are simply flocking to my yard because the jungle vines are overtaking it and providing shelter. Usually I police these things up but the heat index has been up over a hundred fucking degrees way too many days already this summer. The response to “Do what thou wilt” has been pretty much “wilt.”There are voles; okay, there are voles. Tough titty.

David is persevering though, and he shipped in a gallon container of some sort of vole and chipmunk and mole repellent whose active ingredient — David being relentlessly organic — is castor oil. Maybe it gives the voles the shits, or something.

He and Mrs. David were casting about in the garden rows trying to pursue one of the little bandits, as if they intended to spray him directly, when I came around the corner of the house to fill the birdbath. Just standing there next to the birdbath with the garden hose feels like being under twenty Kleig lights at close quarters. I don’t know how they found the spunk to chase a vole around. Or why.

A little while later I was on my way to the gym and found them packed up to leave; David was toting a couple of cucumbers. “Would you like a cucumber?” he asked. “I got a big one, or would you like the small one?” (You have to imagine his accent, which is right out of Hee Haw.)

I restrained myself from saying I was not a size queen and took the small one, tossing it in my gym bag, which was going to be in a cool room, after all, till I got it home again.

That was yesterday. Today I opened up my bag at the gym. Um.


Further proof that the heat is driving me out of my mind

Please just let this end. If it won’t end — which the Capital Weather Gang says won’t happen till at least Monday — can I have my very own climate change denier to stake out on the lawn? In the direct sun? On top of an ant hill?

Dog days, dog breath. Just trying to hang on.


9 thoughts on “Do What Thou Wilt

  1. I’m sure a few of your kitties would be pleased to work on the vole problem for you.

    As for the heat, it’s just ugly. I’ve been doing my outdoor chores at night and still find it humid and uncomfortable. And I’m finding the climate change deniers strangely silent. They only come out in the snow, it seems.

  2. This week, in Longueuil, Qc, we had 34C with a humidex at 43C, that is pretty close to a little over 100F. Our normal, this time of year is 26C, just about 74F. Send your deniers and we will boil them, Trump included (just a joke).

  3. Heeeey. You stole my David Who Talks to Cheese! Not sure if I told you mine is also a David. Thank fuck h doesn’t sound like Hee Haw, but he can pass for an American here, oddly enough.
    Imagine how much more fun that gym bag would have looked with The Big One in it!
    I’d still take some of your heat – I’m in sweatpants and a long sleeve T outside right now, and a bit chilly. Maybe we should house-swap next summer? You know we’d take good care of your kitties, and I know you would take care of ours! Except we have the giant dog, too. Hmm.
    Speaking of dogs – any neighbors have a Jack Russell you could borrow for the vole issue?

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