It came to me in a flash as I was loading groceries into the hatch. I had arrived at the grocery just a few minutes after noon, and I think it was another five minutes before I could get to a cart and go inside, owing to there was one mother coaching a toddler to put on her shoes (ever so slowly — one-buckle, two-buckle) right in front of the cart corral, and another woman with one of those repellent little rigid baby-baskets performing some unfathomable maneuver with a cart. I don’t know why she was pushing it slowly backwards out of the corral with the basket thingie teetering on top. I mean, yes, I know, people have worse days, there are thousands right now in camps at the Croatian border, but did I ever mention that stupid gives me a rash and children give me a worse one?
It must have been an evacuation at the day care center or something. Every other cart had at least one fucking infant either in it or following it, and as I approached the cold case to get a tub of yogurt, that was all I wanted, just a tub of goddamned yogurt, two, count them, two little kiddygartners came stampeding up and began knocking all the containers over sideways. Oh what fun it must have been for them! They were closely followed (but not closely enough, clearly) by a woman with another pre-verbal larva in the cart, who at least reprimanded them and made them put the stuff back and say Excuse Me. I could only muster a curt nod, because if I had opened my mouth I would have been unable to say anything other than “ENOUGH CONDOMS COULD HAVE PREVENTED ALL THIS!!!!” Or maybe “DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE STILL ABORTION CLINICS IN THIS PART OF THE STATE?”
All up and down every aisle. If it wasn’t fecking toddlers squealing while they ran up and down and into the shopping trolleys, it was some woman looking like a boa that had just swallowed a pig, promising more in the future. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. When did people start dragging their rotten little brats everywhere and letting them run under everyone else’s feet? Or squall their heads off even if they’re restrained?
And then it came to me. Those little seats they design into the carts, you know, with the plastic flap instructing you that the child could fall out and (oh if only) incur a serious head injury? Redesign!!! What we need is a sole, and mandatory, form of restraint modeled on the Humongous vehicle in the Road Warrior movies.
I’m wondering if it’s possible to include a cost-effective disposable ball gag that would have to be in place before you entered the place of business. I probably need a good designer to help with a prototype. Maybe this would fly on Kickstarter.