Loyal readers may remember my encounter with the Hockey Fullback of dental hygienists last October. After years of excellent attention from the officiant at my periodontist’s office, I walked in on a brisk autumn day and encountered a bumptious asshole who jollied me as if I were a half-witted preschooler, misread my files, slathered unwanted anesthetics on my gums and reamed my teeth with large-gauge barbwire. After the shock wore off, I called the office to explain why I wasn’t coming back unless they could find someone else to clean my teeth; my regular dentist employs someone in this capacity as well, who may actually be of supernatural origin. I don’t need to let a cross between Miss Connie from Romper Room and Dr. Szell near my mouth.
Yesterday I got a letter.
Dear Valued Patient,
We are writing to inform you that we have made some changes in our office since your last cleaning appointment. In April, we welcomed ____ to our team as the new full-time dental hygienist! We received a lot of constructive criticism after our long-time hygienist left which prompted us to make further changes in our staff. ___ had the opportunity to interact with some of our patients while she was doing temporary work in our office as we were looking for the perfect fit… ____ is now the only hygienist who will be responsible for your teeth cleanings. Thank you for your feedback, your patience, and your cooperation regarding this exciting endeavor for our practice…
And on for a couple more paragraphs of bravura weasel-speak that would do credit to a Presidential press secretary. I half expected to read that Miss Connie Dr. Szell had left to spend more time with her family.
Man, everyone must have hated her.
Those times you wish you had been a fly on the wall.