First of all, rumors of my disappearance or abduction are greatly exaggerated. Considerable drama has occurred. Some of this occurred in last night’s evening at the movies.
1. Fashion Victims
For reasons known only to himself, my Cute Engineer cannot go to a film without buying an overpriced box of the confection known as Milk Duds at the concession stand. This entailed an asphyxiating wait in line before a counter from which festered and festooned the rank scent of faux butter being sprayed onto quantities of popcorn. Seriously, this was an olfactory assault at the level of Lewisite or tear gas. Turning round in hopes of a gulp of less contaminated air, I beheld the line of fellow customers, the females among whom were uniformly attired in Spandex so tight as to outline their buttcracks or, for variation’s sake, jeans rent and savaged until they resembled the mesh barriers strung between armatures that one sees at construction sites. One woman in an ill-fitting bra wore a strange split tunic depending over such a denim garment, made of a transparent fabric such that, well, I mentioned that her bra was ill-fitting.
2. Product Placement
You cannot just go and see a movie nowadays. When I was a pup, you had newsreels and cartoons. Now you have relentless advertisements for television series, Coke, smartphone apps involving the movie theater franchise, Coke, public-service announcements telling you to turn off your smartphone, animations telling you that the feature is on its way and you should buy a Coke, helpful reminders about walking not running to the nearest exit in case of emergency featuring Langolier-like bodiless heads sucking on Cokes, and Coke. Did I mention Coke?
After about three announcements featuring this movie chain’s bouncing bodiless heads I was ready to annihilate any soccer ball I met for the next few years.
3, But I Did Like The Dragons
If only because the animator was obviously a cat person. Look at the first minute here and tell me I’m wrong if you dare.
Ignore everything after about 1:04. I can’t be arsed to figure it out; I’m too busy not being abducted.
I want a dragon.
4. But I Didn’t Buy A Coke
I had no reason to because I closed my eyes after one too many installments of the bouncing animated whatchmajigs.
I had already learned ten and more years ago that the crap “announcements” before today’s film features were a certain precipitator of sick and nauseating headaches. The last time I had the tiniest sip of Coke was after the premiere of “Red Dragon” in 2002, when was unwise enough to watch the visual effects welcoming me to that particular theater — full of looping, swooping and sideswiping. In the words of someone or other, “I suddenly, and violently, vomited.”
Cola syrup is quite the nostrum for this problem.
This may or may not explain the pre-feature features. Their own antidote, more or less.
There’s a reason I stay home and watch it on disc.