Follow The Bouncing Ball

First of all, rumors of my disappearance or abduction are greatly exaggerated. Considerable drama has occurred. Some of this occurred in last night’s evening at the movies.

1. Fashion Victims

For reasons known only to himself, my Cute Engineer cannot go to a film without buying an overpriced box of the confection known as Milk Duds at the concession stand. This entailed an asphyxiating wait in line before a counter from which festered and festooned the rank scent of faux butter being sprayed onto quantities of popcorn. Seriously, this was an olfactory assault at the level of Lewisite or tear gas. Turning round in hopes of a gulp of less contaminated air, I beheld the line of fellow customers, the females among whom were uniformly attired in Spandex so tight as to outline their buttcracks or, for variation’s sake, jeans rent and savaged until they resembled the mesh barriers strung between armatures that one sees at construction sites. One woman in an ill-fitting bra wore a strange split tunic depending over such a denim garment, made of a transparent fabric such that, well, I mentioned that her bra was ill-fitting.

2. Product Placement

You cannot just go and see a movie nowadays. When I was a pup, you had newsreels and cartoons. Now you have relentless advertisements for television series, Coke, smartphone apps involving the movie theater franchise, Coke, public-service announcements telling you to turn off your smartphone, animations telling you that the feature is on its way and you should buy a Coke, helpful reminders about walking not running to the nearest exit in case of emergency featuring Langolier-like bodiless heads sucking on Cokes, and Coke. Did I mention Coke?

After about three announcements featuring this movie chain’s bouncing bodiless heads I was ready to annihilate any soccer ball I met for the next few years.

3, But I Did Like The Dragons

If only because the animator was obviously a cat person. Look at the first minute here and tell me I’m wrong if you dare.

Ignore everything after about 1:04. I can’t be arsed to figure it out; I’m too busy not being abducted.

I want a dragon.

4. But I Didn’t Buy A Coke

I had no reason to because I closed my eyes after one too many installments of the bouncing animated whatchmajigs.

I had already learned ten and more years ago that the crap “announcements” before today’s film features were a certain precipitator of sick and nauseating headaches. The last time I had the tiniest sip of Coke was after the premiere of “Red Dragon” in 2002, when  was unwise enough to watch the visual effects welcoming me to that particular theater — full of looping, swooping and sideswiping. In the words of someone or other, “I suddenly, and violently, vomited.”

Cola syrup is quite the nostrum for this problem.

This may or may not explain the pre-feature features. Their own antidote, more or less.

There’s a reason I stay home and watch it on disc.

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5 thoughts on “Follow The Bouncing Ball

  1. Pretty good summary of why I don’t see movies in cinemas any more. I keep involuntarily hitting and imaginary fast forward button. You didn’t mention the music with bass lines that could dissolve kidney stones but that’s another reason to stay away. Plus the eating extravaganza of the other patrons. Like are you there to eat or watch the movie??

    PS–my leg is doing OK with last week’s verdict being no surgery. The crutches were driving me wild and I need them till the end of August so the nice people have greatly increased my quality of life with one of these: http://kneescooters.co.nz/ Hope you never need one but highly recommended for anyone who’s stuck on crutches for a while.

    • Totally nifty device!!!! For some reason, I think of racing.

      You’re right, I did forget to mention the musical volume. Also, the endless trailers for movies in which everything gets blown up. zzzzzzzzzzzz

  2. Last movie I saw in a theatre was Avatar, because it was 3-D and looked cool. I devour that skunky fake butter popcorn – or I would, if they sold it here. No oily greasy slime here, dammit.

    But why I won’t go again anytime soon is OTHER PEOPLE. I hate them. Shut up. Shut UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!! Watch this shit at home if you want to talk all the way through it FFS! Stop kicking my damn seat! Turn of your fucking phone, you twat! Stop moving your giant-ass head around and blocking the screen randomly! Aaaaaaauuuughhh!

    And yes, der dragon is a big black kitty 🙂

    • I will say it for local audiences, I hear very little crap from them, and the Coke-laced announcements seem to be every third one about turning the phone off. I suppose as long as I get that, the lack of dress sense is tolerable since the lights are down throughout the feature.

      My Albino Ex once fixed a client of mine up on a blind date with a friend of his who talked at her all the way through “Gosford Park.” Which is a movie that’s all about the dialogue. He doesn’t know how narrowly he escaped with his life. We know how close our call was.

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