A Tosser

There is at least one other gym rat at my new gym. He looks to be in his early thirties, wears his facial hair in that indifferently neglected mode which probably requires a great deal of cultivation, and has a remarkably solid ass. I mention this not as a dilettante of men’s asses but as an observer curious about his workout. You do not get a set of cantaloupes like that without some investment of energy. I have low gluteal insertions and a tendency to a flat back, which undercuts your butt work, so I am always looking for ideas.

So far though the one interesting thing I have seen him do is toss a kettlebell. I have now mastered the swing thing that you do with these, which is bloody awesome. You hurl the thing back between your legs, then go with the Newtonian rebound and beyond to a standing position, locking your thighs and rear while bringing the bell up to shoulder level for a Nijinsky moment before hinging down again. The first set of fifteen you do feels like candy. You start the next set one minute by the clock after you started the first. And the next. And the next. After five of these you are sucking wind, both hands on your knees, every ounce of used air blasting out of the bottom of your lungs. I love it better than chocolate.

The gym rat had a variation on this. He was swinging the bell up with one hand and catching it in the other before going down. I had to watch him through a couple sets before I was sure of what I was seeing.

I do this with hairbrushes, for some reason — I always grab the brush in my left hand, bring it up to shoulder level and let it go before grabbing it with the right. I have no fecking idea why. The airborne moment for a twenty pound kettlebell, which is what I’m currently using, must be far briefer. I want to try, but I have to wait until no one is around, in case I fuck it up.

I have to remember to not try to brush my hair with it.

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5 thoughts on “A Tosser

  1. Haha! I almost skipped to the next post when you begun talking about that guy’s ass. But I stayed, and loved the post. You know, I don’t really care about gym stuff, but somehow, just like Spiders, you could write 3000 words about sidewalk cracks and still keep me interested.

    What you describe doing with an hairbrush, I do it with just about everything I touch. Really, I have no idea why I can’t juggle. I did something the other day, without even thinking about it. You know I do scan bar codes for a living, I do stock taking. I have used the same device for nearly 8 years now. It really became an extension of my left hand. Some people say I manipulate it like a cowboy would of a gun. In just a single motion, I pick it up from my belt, scan an item, punch quantity, and let it fall back exactly at the right spot on my belt. The other day, I was just casually doing my job when the manager, which I didn’t know was looking, exclaimed. “What did you just do?”

    I had just scanned a cartoon of cigarettes, but there was another one behind, so I picked it with my right hand to be able to see the second one. Bar code was on the wrong side. It would have been really easy to just put the one in my right hand somewhere to turn it around, but why bother? “Did you just throw your scanner in the air, turned the cartoon with your hand, and caught your scanner again?” I had not even realized I had done that.

    Maybe I’m doing gym at work without noticing? 🙂

    • No, it means you’re an artist!!! Really… Barbara Ehrenreich was speaking with populist passion in “Nickeled and Dimed” when she said “there are no unskilled jobs,” but truly, I think everyone who wants to do more than just live through their work day learns to make it into a dance. There’s a passage in my favorite Chinese cookbook about a boy in Taiwan who did nothing but make Oily Scallion Cakes for a food cart all day long, with a brio and agility that the cookbook’s author watched whenever she could.

      I never talk publicly about guys’ asses without there being some professional sort of perspective involved.

      • Yes, and it sounded professional 🙂

        An artist, hen? I wouldn’t think so. I never thought I would do that for that long. It was originally a temporary job, until I’d find better. That was 8 years ago. But yes, I seek to have fun while making it. We’re spending literally a third of our life at work, and I really don’t want to waste that much time. But, an artist? Nah 🙂

        Have a good one, my friend!

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