With Our Compliments

Well, another mystery solved.

A few months ago, not long after my spiffy new porch was completed, I found that the postman had left me a gigantic, unwieldy, glossy, stinky magazine full of glamor and celebrities. ??

IMG_2279Yes: stinky: all these magazines seem to come larded with vile little cards that drop out when you lift the thing, reeking of some suffocating perfume that sells for $50 the half ounce. My head can start to pound just thinking about the stench of them; I have narrowly avoided violent altercations with women applying them lavishly in locker rooms. I don’t want them delivered to my door.

I figured it was some sort of free sample that I could ignore away but it came again. And again.



What the fecking feck. The closest I have come in years to the pursuit of glamor is a fetish for matching my five-dollar elastic-strap children’s watches to my gym clothes.

I finally ferreted out a 1-800 number and worked my way through a series of endless robots to a young slip of a thing who said she would cancel the subscription, and that it had been a complimentary gift with something I bought from an online retailer. I remember the purchase as involving a wastebasket and a small table for the new porch. Why does that get me expensive glamor crap? Why not Car And Driver? Muscle And Fitness? Guns And Ammo?

The things trees die for. Jeebus.


11 thoughts on “With Our Compliments

  1. For years, I have been subscribed to a magazine called Byte. Very geeky stuff. They had advanced programing tricks, advanced Linux operations… You know, because I was way passed the level at which changing my desktop wallpaper was a challenge.

    Eventually, the magazine was bought by a different company, and a few months later, they told me Byte was discontinued but they changed my subscription to another great computer magazine that I would love just as much. The next month, I got Windows Magazine which, among other things, taught me how to swap my desktop wallpaper.

    I don’t know if the magazine eventually taught how to empty the recycle bin. But I sure learned how to, by myself, and very quickly every month, for I didn’t want anyone to see that magazine in my house.

    • Bwahahaha!!!!

      Cary Mullis, who did some of the critical work on sequencing DNA, used to get clipped articles mailed by his dear little mother, from Reader’s Digest, containing dumbed-down synopses of slightly less dumb articles from popular magazine about the very genetic work he was doing, lacking of course the names of all the scientists involved, “in case it interested him since he was in that line of work.”

  2. I had to pay 6 bucks to buy a copy of Atlantic magazine at the drugstore. I wonder how I could get them to send Atlantic for free?

    BTW, I had to buy the current issue of Atlantic because it has an excellent story about ANXIETY, written by the editor of the magazine. He is even more anxious than me and all my blood relatives, more anxious than a cat at the dog pound.

    • I think the free magazines are usually the ones that are 75% ads for expensive luxury products. My chiropractor’s wife gets them to put in the office. Most people with an aching back really are not interested in high heels and other fashion dreck, but she keeps doing it.

      • I guess the luxury magazines are on to me. They know I’m broke. I’m trying to save up enough money to pay for one of the following: chiropractor, massage therapy, or acupuncture. Not for an aching back; for anxiety & depression. Of the three treatments, which would you recommend.

        • Actually, if you can get a good acupuncturist that might be the best pick. I am of course biased toward my own profession, but I felt such dramatic results from acupuncture when I was in states of emotional distress that I think it wins hands down. Alas my acupuncturist’s personality eventually became emotionally distressing, but that was another story. Anyway, it was something you could feel just like feeling a dose of a tranquilizer kick in, right there on the table.

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