Everybody’s Getting This For Christmas

Actually, not. Not at that price. But given what people have paid over the years for Pet Rocks and the like, it ought to top the charts this season.

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If that’s hard to read, the caption is “Zum Bum — Bidet in a Bottle.” (I believe it is meant as an oh-so-natural substitute for those little towelettes that have been clogging up sewer systems of late.) “Shot to the fart! It’s music to your rear with naturally soothing witch hazel and essential oils. Just spritz it on some TP and dab it on that keister. 4 oz., 9.50.” The online promotion is a little less edgy (cracked?), but equally WTF: “a breath of fresh derriere.”

As a massage therapist I get on mailing lists for all sorts of body products but I think I can safely say this is one I do not see reselling in my studio. (For one thing it would be horrible if it got mixed up with the spray Biofreeze, which comes in an identical size.)

If this stuff were wine it would be fifty-seven bucks a bottle. Or to look at it another way, it’s like priming the bidet with Veuve Clicquot demi-sec. Anything I buy for that kind of money is destined for the other end of my alimentary canal, thank you very much.

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