Hallmark Holidays

I want someone to declare a Non-Mother’s Day.

I grind my teeth about this more every year. For the last two weeks, I can’t download my e-mail or walk into a store without being assaulted by exhortations to buy this or that for “Mom.” Take Mom to brunch, get Mom a Kindle, get fabulous Mother’s Day deals at the office furniture outlet, blah blah blah.

I want a day for women who haven’t contributed to the exponential increase in population that will have this planet groaning under ten billion people by the end of the century. I want flowers for not dumping yet another flannelhead into the public education system at taxpayer expense (currently ten thousand bucks a year, give or take). I want a card for sparing the public yet another brace of unsupervised toddlers squealing and stampeding through the grocery or restaurant. I want a discount for not blocking the sidewalk with a double-wide stroller.

I want a promotional deal for not adding to the traffic jams caused by the exodus from soccer practice or the backup behind a discharging school bus. I want champagne for never imagining, not once, that the compensation for my failures, or the salvation of my marriage, lay in producing yet another human being to juggle the hot potato of my problems through life. I want a gift card for not lowering the collective intelligence of the entire human dialogue with squeally, inane public conversations with a repulsively sticky-faced infant.

I want an upgrade to first class for not believing the mere exercise of my biology made me something special. I want complimentary coffee for not nauseating people with the narcissistic details of sonograms. I want overdue-book amnesty for never blathering on about MY KID until anyone with an IQ higher than their heart rate wanted to cover their ears and scream. I want free admission to the movies for never erasing a man’s future by making him a father when he had other plans.

I want a twofer deal for not causing the destruction of more acres of other species’ homes. I want reserved orchestra seating for women who’ve had a tubal ligation. I want an end to the idea that reproduction is some kind of goddam achievement. It’s not as if human beings were in danger of extinction any time soon.

How about a nice Sunday in June?


19 thoughts on “Hallmark Holidays

  1. Mother’s Day falls on different dates in Spain, the UK, Australia and North America, so I hear it mentioned on twitter for about two solid months.

    Heh, “IQ higher than their heartrates”…

  2. That was a great rant — and if you succeed in any of those lobbies, I would also like to put in a bid for automatic hotel room upgrades for men who have had vasectomies in order to prevent accidentally making someone into a mother.

  3. You got it.

    I don’t know about gift cards and discounts and flowers. But drinks are on me.

    Let’s make it the first Sunday in June. 😉

  4. That was a great rant, seconded. However, I don’t mind Mother’s and Father’s Days because they’re kind of fun if done lightly. The tip-top of my horribly useless false holiday list is still reserved for Christmas.

    • Valentine’s Day is another awful one, fraught with tripwires whether you have a “valentine” or not.

      My problem with Mother Father Hallmark Holidays — aside from personally detesting the sight of a child, and feeling that no one should be rewarded for having children at this point in human history — is that they facilitate the worst kind of emotional blackmail there is, while sending false messages about what actually amounts to a life achievement. Simple biological parenthood is hardly a virtue, but it allows people who should never have considered doing such a thing to sit back and expect congratulations and praise, as if it makes them better than people who aren’t parents (but who may be the ones cleaning up their mess). That gets up my nose.

    • Except for not really wanting it to be part of my identity, it would fit.

      As with Christmas, I’ll stop thinking about it as soon as they sweep up all the tacky ribbons and take down the signs.

    • I barely went out for anything. Lua Vanessa’s battery was dead when I went out to fire it up this morning, and I think the radio must have turned itself on again in the night. Service appointment this week. Just by random luck a friend got a ride here from someone driving an SUV with a V6 and that jumped it, but can you say electrical issue with new car?


  5. A great idea! You deserve all those things for all the reasons you cite.

    Alternatively, we could have Fart Day and Burp Day to celebrate other bodily functions that should also be controlled.

  6. Anna Jarvis, the major founder of Mothers’ Day, lived to regret and protest her creation due to its over commercialization. But really, what did she expect when she was supported in her efforts by John Wanamaker, the department store giant of Philadelphia (thank you Wikipedia!).

  7. I’m with you on this one Sledpress. I’m not childless, I’m childfree, in my fifties, and have never regretted it for one second. Many women are bullied into it by relatives and they cave in instead of fight back. That does not make for a happy mother or child.

    As for the ones who obsess over having a child, demand that insurance companies pay for fertility treatments, and refer to them as their “greatest creations,” forgive me if I do not join in the celebrations. I feel I have done more for society by not breeding.

    Valentines’s Day panders to the worst kind of “entitlement.” Ugh.

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