“…we are unable to provide any compensation for broken noodles”

You gotta love the online stores that sell to muscleheads.

There are all the products that promise to give you a mind-blowing, explosive “pump,” promoted in language that makes you wonder if Viagra or something like that is involved. There are the thermogenic products — some safer-sounding than others — and the protein bars and liquid supplements, can’t live without ’em, whose main selling point is “This doesn’t taste as gross as the last protein bar you ate, really.”

I knocked my Albino Ex from 265 down to 220 (and a pair of big guns) using a diet that started off in the morning with a protein bar, and that was when the only ones on the market tasted like half-dried-up acrylic paint, so don’t scoff, but still, it’s hard to make them sexy.

Then there is the low carb pasta. They finally invented one I like. I logged on to order some today. I hadn’t been planning on including lasagna, and it looks like a good thing:

Please note: We cannot guarantee that the lasagna noodles will arrive in perfect condition. Due to the manufacturing process, the box used to package the lasagna contains extra space. This extra space allows the product to move about during transit and can cause the noodles to break. We will continue to place extra care in packaging your order to allow the least amount of movement; however, it is beyond our control to eliminate breakage. Due to this, we are unable to provide any compensation for broken noodles.

I’m just imagining the phone conversation.

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13 thoughts on ““…we are unable to provide any compensation for broken noodles”

  1. Oh dear, and here I was, preparing to ask your advice on which protein bar(s) were remotely edible, given that the two I’ve so far dared to try have tasted like socks.

    My personal trainer is determined to drastically increase my protein intake (whilst cutting back my carbs and fats) for at least another 8 weeks, and those protein shake powders are truly revolting. They seem to have such a bitter aftertaste. And don’t start me on the lumps… I need to buy a blender but since I never cook it would seem rather an extreme investment just to make smooth protein shakes.

    And, by the way, is the sledpress the machine where you lie on your back and push against a weighted foot plate? If so, I was thinking of you this morning as my quads and glutes burned 🙂

    • Yup, that’s the machine. It’s my ego lift (once broke a ten rep set with 700 pounds but usually quit around 630; I can’t get remotely near that weight with other leg moves, it’s something about the angle).

      Brands called Supreme Protein, Oh Yeah and Detour are pretty tolerable actually (I’m chomping a Supreme Caramel Nut as I write). You can get a liquid protein called New Whey by IDS which looks a lot like the evil brew in the classic Dr. Jekyll movies, but it’s over with quickly. I agree with you about the powders.

      • 700 pounds? Ye gods, woman, that’s extraordinary. I doff my cap to you.

        I’m off to internet shop for tolerable protein bars and liquid now, thanks for the tips!

  2. seriously?!?!? do you suppose so many people complained of broken noodles (chuckle chuckle) that they were compelled to put that disclaimer on the box? really??!?!?!

  3. Well, I for one expect things to arrive in perfect condition, I am after all the Queen and the world is meant to revolve around me. If they can’t guarantee perfectly formed, uncracked, unbroken lasagne noodles then they don’t deserve to be selling said noodles in the first place.

    Just saying!

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