Stick It To Me

Apparently the latest craze in vehicular ornamentation involves little stick figure decals that you select and apply to your car window to show that it is the conveyance of One Big Sappy Family. I will be rolling up to a signal and see on the rear window in front of me a little stick mommie, stick daddy, stick brats of graduated sizes and maybe a stick doggie. The one that sported a stick kittycat almost made me forgive this new low in nauseating self-congratulation for having reproduced, but really, I find it the most obnoxious thing since “Baby On Board.”

Possibly it’s because the windows where I behold these stick families — all beaming with saccharine smirks — are invariably the rear windows of big honking SUVs or overpowered pickup trucks with caps. People who drive small town cars or even midsize sedans don’t seem to feel the need to broadcast how much of the world’s diminishing resources they are staking out for their own DNA.

And most likely it’s just the stick figure thing. I gag when anyone tries to convey a message with stick figures, unless it’s on the XKCD page (where they don’t have smiles, or even faces). It’s so self-consciously “childlikeness is truth and beatitude! Let’s all adore it!” when you know that childlikeness, in its pure unvarnished form, is actually the kid inside that SUV even as you approach it, vomiting his Happy Meal all over the cloth upholstery while his younger sibling squalls nonstop in the infant seat and Mom swerves near-miss around a passing cyclist with her cell phone glued to her ear.



10 thoughts on “Stick It To Me

  1. Had three kids, never sported those things, were not in fashion over 40 years ago. Never either experienced the picture you draw of traveling with kids. Lots of “are we there yet?”, but not much else.
    Took them to our Maritime provinces, down to Florida and several times to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, through N. C. , Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois and something in between. Wonderful memories for all of us.

    • I suspect you are in a minority whose responsibility as parents was rewarded. My memories of children, even the other children I encountered during my own childhood, are top-heavy with repetitive inanities, deliberate gleeful cruelty, and joy in the power to annoy. I am sure that a lot depends on the people who raise them, and that my irritation is exacerbated by the current US fashion of parading one’s young as trophies too precious to subject to discipline, but in my ideal world no one under twelve or so would be allowed to open his or her mouth in public.

      I’ll end up in Sun City yet, I guess (no one under the age of legal majority is allowed to live there).

  2. I recently saw a genuine “Baby on Board” suction cup attached sign on a vehicle down here. I wondered if it was an antique now being used to trumpet the original sign owner’s grandchild.

  3. This made me chuckle, because I saw those stick figures the other day and I instantly compared it to the Baby on Board and thought this was even more descriptive, sort of like saying, “Don’t run into all five of us, please!”

    The only one that makes me ill is that stick figure peeing boy with actual urine emanating from the one “missing stick” on his cartooned self. I don’t know how it’s legal to have those (or those naked silhouetted women on the mud flaps), but I suppose common decency ends at the car parts store :-/.

  4. The one I hate more are the decals that do the same thing as the stick figure one, except they’re flip-flops of varying sizes. So the mommy and daddy have the two big pair, and the kids have the smaller pairs. Wow, a whole family that doesn’t wear shoes and has poor taste… well, at least I know I can outrun their useless asses.

    Do they have to buy a new decal when the kids grow up? Do they sell decals of a teenage stick figure looking embarrassed to be seen on the SUV with the rest of his stick figure family?

  5. Around here those things are always stuck to cars with “fish” insignias. I’m not sure which I hate more, the stick figures or the fish. There is a steak house nearby which sports the “fish” on its signboard. Why is it important that we know you are a Christian steak house? What exactly does that entail or mean? Does it mean you don’t serve fish? Or do you only serve bread and fishes? What?

    We also enjoy a large number of rear window decals that center around the death of some loved one or other, with a big cross in the middle of the back window and “In memory of” above, the name and dates of the deceased below. I wish I had your way with sarcasm, I’d write an inspirational diatribe about that. . .

  6. Even worse are the rear-window-sized memorials to fallen relatives, Gone But Not Forgotten Billy Joe 1987 ~ 2009, with some spritz of decal flowers and an ostentatious cross even though the guy probably offed himself flying down a country road in a haze of alcohol.

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