Sheet Porn

It is a cruel punishing work week and in the intervals I am relaxing with Sheet Porn.

You have to be a massage therapist to appreciate this, probably. After two decades of buying table linens I am an aficionado of thread counts, fiber composition, napping, and finishing. When you wash a sheet 200 times a year you get a stark lesson in bang for buck. It has spilled over into my personal purchasing. I thumb through the Company Store and Garnet Hill sales like a thoughtful lecher surveying the escort ads, wondering: which of these do I want to slide between bare nekkid? 400-count Supima. Six-ounce Portuguese flannel. Charisma Swiss Dot. Who do they pay to come up with these color names? Mineral, chili, pear.

I remember that when I met my Albino Ex he was making up his bed with ungodly plaid sheets from K-Mart that had the feel of a pilled table cloth at a cheap family-style restaurant. I dragged him to the nearest linen shop and worked him over. “That feels so fuckin nice,” he uttered rapturously while fondling a 600-count cotton offering off the sale table, oblivious to the alarmed shoppers nearby. I found Rome in clay and I left it in marble, as Augustus said.

I drive a 20 year old Civic wagon but my linen closet is a wine cellar for the epidermis. Eight hours a night, for godsake. Life is too short to sleep on polyester.

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6 thoughts on “Sheet Porn

  1. Mmmmm… I love good sheets. But I make do with decent 100% cotton sets from Bassols. Always white or off-white. Always bought during the summer sales.

    Not this summer though – have gone on holiday instead. 🙂

    Anyhow, within a week the corners have been slashed to ribbons, so that “new sheet” experience is always fleeting.

    Polyester! *shudder*

  2. It’s 100% organic cotton here, 400 thread count is all I can afford at present. My massage clients get 350 thread count when it is on sale as a compromise between comfort, longevity and affordability.

    Not only is washing sheets 200 times a year the acid test for them, it is also a workout for the washing machine. I use them up a lot faster than the average housewife! My latest is the front loading Neptune from Maytag, and may it last a decade! I really like it. The worst washing machine mistake I ever made was purchasing a Kenmore with “calypso action”. Whoever thought that monster up needs to be run through a few loads with that — I have NEVER seen sheets so thoroughly tied in knots as that machine could do. I don’t wear bras but my imagination reeled at what that damned thing could have done to them if they had been put in there. Even on delicate.

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