The Limerick Memorial, Sunday, May 24, 2009: Military Band Interlude

Along with limericks, my late and ex was a fervent devotee of  good military marches. During the Korean War he wanted to be a signalman, and while stationed at Fort Monmouth NJ he would march off to signal school every day while the post band played. “Colonel Bogey” was a favorite. You all know it: whistled on the soundtrack of “The Bridge on the River Kwai,” after a furious struggle with the widow of the composer Kenneth Alford, who tergiversated on granting use rights because “so many people have sung rude words to it.” (“Hitler Has Only Got One Ball” was just the tip of the iceberg, if I dare mix a metaphor.)

One afternoon while we were dating — which consisted of meeting once a week to walk all over friggin’ DC — L&X and I were kicking around an Army version of Colonel Bogey that ran:

Horseshit! It makes the grass grow green!
Horseshit! we use for shaving cream…

My father, who played in the marching bands of WWII, sang it; L&X remembered it. But we couldn’t remember if anyone had ever penned a third line.

Finally, because we were walking near Dupont Circle, which was and is Washington’s gay district and we were both, while fundamentally liberal, politically incorrect, I sang:

Buttfuck! It makes your ass grow green!

To which after some thought he riposted:

Buttfuck! It’s really quite obscene…

But once again we were stuck for a third line, until, remembering the then ubiquitous news stories about the unfortunately named Joey Buttafuoco, he burst into phony Italian crooner dialect:

Buttafuoco! It-a make-a you ass-a grow green-a!
Buttafuoco! It’a really quite-a obscen-a!
Buttafuoco! It-a make-a you loco!
It ain’t no joke-o! don’t poke-o at meee!…

We sang cheerfully for a few more blocks and then, Jurassic Park being a current hit in the theaters, he carolled joyously:

saurs in Jurass-ic Park!
You can
Buttfuck them after dark!
Don’t bore us
With your clitoris!
Just go get your ass
To Jurass
-ic Park!

By now mothers were appearing on porches to take their children inside.

Here comes
Tyrannosaurus Rex!
I think
He might be after sex!
Your rectum
Just might deflect him!
And you’ll infect him
In Jurass-
ic Park.

When he was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of tubes and things we sang it at least once — he loved to hear me do the crooner version — and, happily, no one asked us to keep it down.

3 thoughts on “The Limerick Memorial, Sunday, May 24, 2009: Military Band Interlude

  1. these are a riot! as a kid, it was always:

    Comet, it makes your mouth turn green
    Comet, it tastes like gasoline
    Comet, it makes you vomit
    So buy some Comet and vomit today.

    We were far too young to work in the ‘buttfuck’ angle…

  2. I remember that! My first tweenage boyfriend sang it, only it was
    Comet, it makes your mouth so clean
    Comet, it turns your teeth so green.

    Regional variations.

  3. I’m sorry he’s gone, Sled. I see the charm.

    I hope somebody takes the sting out of the tubes and things for all of us when we’re on our way out.

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